Tuesday in Survival Town

In response to this post on the topic of writer’s block, I received this helpful list of alternatives from Reverend Civilian of Survival Town. It’s not so much a guide to ridding writer’s block as it is steps to annihilating it (and a few braincells) altogether, and maybe getting a story out of it in the process. You might find it beneficial. God knows I did.

The Reverend Civilian’s Seven Steps to Writing a Goddamn Story.

1. Get a large bottle of Thunder Bird, a combat knife, a roll of duct tape, three dollars in quarters, five hundred dollars in random bills, an mp3 player with Going Out West by Tom Waits, and as much mescaline as you can get your hands on (preferably six grams).
2. Go to a bus station and buy a ticket for the next bus leaving town. Then go into the bathroom and take all the mescaline and wash it down with the whole bottle of Thunder Bird. Hop on the bus and listen to Going Out West on loop, as loud as your headphones will get, as you shake and bake to your destination.
3. When you arrive, find the nearest dive bar. Go inside and barricade the door. Then feed two dollars quarters into jukebox and select What’s New Pussycat? for every play. (I assure you, it will be in there.) Then find the biggest, baddest looking motherfucker there (preferably someone with a large posse), and lick his ear. Don’t be shy, get in there. Step to the middle of the room, pull out your combat knife, and prepare for a brawl.
4. Assuming you survive the fight, patch yourself up with the duct tape. Then numb yourself with any cheap liquor from the bar. Afterward burn down the bar.
5. Find a phone book, blindly flip it open pick some random listing. Then tear out that listing, find a tattoo parlor, and have it tattooed right above your genitals.
6. Go to a Waffle House. Enjoy some tasty waffles, then barricade the door. Feed your remaining quarters into the jukebox and select The Devil Went Down to Georgia for every play. (I assure you, it’s in there, and is crucial in summoning The Devil). Start a fist fight. After the fight, draw a smiley face on the floor in ketchup and recite the phrase: “Mecca Lecca Hi, Mecca Hiney ho.” Then say Howdy Doody to The Devil himself. Sell your soul to him for a penny whistle, then win it back in a game of dice. Then have some more waffles.
7. Take the rest of your money, find a hooker. Make sweet love to her in a way you had never made love to any woman before or any woman ever again. Then, take her home to meet your parents.

When the dust settles, I guarantee you will have a story to tell. At least I did anyway.

–Reverend Civilian